Lazy Day

I have done almost nothing today and doing my best to quell that guilt that is rearing it's ugly head.

I am now feeling rested and ready to face this coming week which is something I have not felt like in many many weeks.

Part of me feels this compulsion to always be doing something, like I can hear in my mind this little dictator tapping on her 'to do' list making tisking noises because of some imagined list I have not completed this day. I have done what is essencial and everyone is fed and yet it feels like I have wasted time.

Have I? Am I just trying to justify a day off where I really do take time off? Is there some gene in me that requires me to constantly be doing something productive so that I can justify my existence?

Like somewhere there is a list of things I must accomplish and if I don't I will get a failing grade as a person?

Am I still seeking aproval from someone somewhere?

I sound like some nerotic soul seeking the perfect life.

Where is this illusive contentment where I can be satisified with myself and what I have done, become thus far?

I think if I could just figure out what I am required to do, then I could relax, but life does not come with many instructions, at least not anything specific. I think that's what got to me. I am one who likes to know what the rules are and what is expected and then I can know when I am done. But somehow, my life is not so cut and dried and maybe if it was I would quickly become bored.

I think I need to set up my own expectations and go with it, stop seeking approval from anyone except me and God. and I know He aproves of me simply because of Jesus.

— Kareen
Sun, Feb 26^th, 2006 · 2:23pm ↑

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